This weekend was the last full weekend my little family will have all together for the foreseeable future, and that has made my mama heart so sad behind the smiles. We did everything we possibly could to enjoy every second of it, from our favorite breakfast spot to the pumpkin patch and everything between. The kids had a blast, with the exception of 1 or 5 tantrums.

I am 8 weeks postpartum and headed back to work part time. While I am grateful for both mine and my husband’s jobs and the great companies we work for, I would give just about anything to stay home permanently. Who wouldn’t though?

I hear a lot of “it’ll be good for you,” and yeah it will, I’m sure. It will also be very hard for me. With my oldest kids I was able to spend at least the first year of their lives as a stay at home mom. It wasn’t easy mentally or financially, but we made it work and I think it was beneficial for them and me. I am relieved that I only have to commit to part time right now because there’s almost no way my mental health could handle working full time with an infant, and my heart goes our to mamas who do it and have to do it.

Life as a mom is such a catch 22. Nothing ever feels good enough. Nothing ever seems complete. If I stay home I may slip back into postpartum, I’ll definitely not be able to pay down our debt, and Christmas will be extra stressful. If I go back to work I could also slip back into postpartum, maybe affect my breastmilk supply, miss out on the only days our family has all together, and have to separate from my new baby. There just aren’t enough hours in the day and expenses (especially nowadays) add up like crazy. It’s hard. It’s sad. Yet, I have just about accepted that it is worth every second and every cent.

We are all still adjusting to being a family of 5, so with separating from my new baby and breastfeeding, the beginning of this chapter is going to be hard. Between 3 young kids over the last 8 weeks and my husband working 6 days a week to somewhat cover me being out of work, it already has been the most difficult thing I have ever done. Life is just so full of unknown changes and chaos. I love it because 5 years ago I was pregnant with my first baby and after years of thinking I may never become a mom, I am incredibly grateful to now have 3 beautiful babies and a man who is willing to do whatever he has to do to take care of our family.

Our time together will be limited, with my husband still working full time and me working on his only days off. Prioritizing each other and our one on one time is at the very top of the list. Not enough of us talk about the struggles of getting lost in repetitions of parenthood. As a mom at home, a mom at work, and a mom of multiple it’s easy to do. Going from 0 to 3 kids all under 5 has led us to constant change and chaos. The “roommate stage” was not and has not been easy. I find myself longing for peace and routine to keep us all focused, happy, and together as often as possible.

I think, on top of my regular scheduled anxiety, that unknown of it all is keeping me anxious and rightfully so. Who knows where we will be in 5 more years. All I know is I’m willing and determined to make the sacrifices to ensure that one day we have more time together and won’t have to be so spread thin.

Wish me luck.