To think I have been pregnant every single year over the last five years is as equally empowering as it is nauseating. To some people that may seem like a complaint, and to those who get it, we both know that’s not what I mean. Pregnancy is hard. Motherhood is hard. A blessing? Of course. A miracle? In every sense. Women are incredible beings with endless possibilities, but that does not discount the fact that what so many of us go through in motherhood is extremely difficult in a million different ways. The mental toll from the very beginning is pretty much unbearable some days. To watch your heart and soul walking around every day in such a scary world in such scary times is intimidating and comes with so much pressure. I thought I had anxiety before, but the younger version of me had absolutely no idea what we were in store for. I never knew what limits I was capable of until I brought my own little people into the world.

I have been struggling through this pregnancy–mentally, physically, emotionally, hormonally, etc., etc. and I find myself really longing for the light at the end of this tunnel. I find myself relieved that this will be my last pregnancy. I find myself nervous to start over when I was so close to coming out of the chaos that is infancy and toddlerhood. Does that mean I would change any bit of it? Absolutely not. I just struggle regularly understanding how I am doing it all, how I’m staying afloat on the harder days, and how I’m going to continue to stay afloat when I know the next few years are going to be some of the most exhausting of my entire life. It’s the love I have for my babies that has gotten me this far, obviously, but I’m also incredibly impressed by the depths of it all.

Something I don’t share often (publicly) is that I have a history of depression, anxiety, and ptsd. I have a strong sense of all of the above because I have dealt with them for a very long time. I do pride myself on the amount of awareness I have developed over my life and I try to be very transparent about my own experiences because I know I am not alone.

During my second pregnancy, I struggled with perinatal depression which threw me into a world wind of postpartum issues and eventually lead me to medication and therapy. While both somewhat contributed to me leveling out, I know that most of the work and healing came from my own understanding of myself. After all, nobody really knows us better than we know ourselves (most of us anyway). While I knew I was taking the necessary steps to pull myself out of postpartum anxiety and rage, I also felt like I was fighting for my life on a regular basis which is very scary when you have babies to care for. I was proud of myself when I managed to pull through, wean from the medication, and somewhat feel like a person again.

Not long after that, I am back in the mist of perinatal depression. Some days are harder than others, but between being a mom, a wife, an employee, and also just trying to be a person.. I am spread thin and finding myself nervous for the probable postpartum storm that is ahead of me. To some that may seem like I’m manifesting my own downfall, but once again, nobody knows me like me. I’d rather be prepared for the worst and hope for the best, than be caught off guard and miserable during such a beautiful time of my life. But how do you even prepare for such chaos? Especially when your life is already so busy with chaos? It’s hard and I honestly don’t know. The reality of it is that I can be as open with myself and my support system as possible, but I still have no idea what is ahead of me.

My main goal is to focus on my babies and the love they fill my life and heart with every second of the day, no matter the amount of overwhelming responsibility or overstimulation that comes with having children, I have to put them first because they have given light to the best parts of me and helped me to heal the darkest ones. I’m learning. I’m preparing. I’m growing every day. All I can do is keep pushing and know that this too shall pass. Life is short and everything is temporary. No matter how scary it may be, my limit does not exist when it comes to raising my kids. I have to keep pushing… because that’s what mama does best.