I’m sure I’m not the only one who remembers a time when I genuinely thought I was tired due to work, or socializing, or whatever else life threw my way. What I would give just to have one of those days of actual rest back. It would probably make a world of difference for my mind and body. Because I will tell you what, there is “tired,” then there’s pregnancy tired, then there’s postpartum/breastfeeding tired, then there’s pregnant while raising a toddler tired, then there’s pregnant while raising TWO toddlers tired… and BOY OH BOY, nothing else compares to that last version. I sit here and laugh at my younger self as I wonder how in the world I am making it happen when I have literally been running on fumes for years.

Now here me out, because I’m sure someone is going to take this as me complaining, I would not change a thing about my kids or having them all so close in age (even though that wasn’t the plan), but I will however acknowledge the darker and more difficult sides of motherhood. There’s just not enough of it. We’re all too worried about always being great because of the constant pressure that society has placed on us, but babe, please hear me when I say… WE ARE STILL HUMAN.

Just because you’re burnt out, touched out, over stimulated, or just exhausted does not make you any less of a mother. I’m talking to you, you, you, and myself when I say that because even though I accept and acknowledge it, I’m still way too hard on myself about what I don’t have the time or energy to do. It’s a catch 22, and I doubt it’ll ever get easier. I know sooner than later my kids will grow and become more self sufficient. I’ll become busier with their lives and my own, and at the same time I’ll probably get the chance to sleep in a few times here and there, but that doesn’t make the now any easier.

As I prepare to welcome my third baby in a less than 5 year span, I’m both impressed and somewhat disappointed in myself for how far I have been able to push through this exhaustion. I have noticed a large shift in my mental and physical wellbeing because of the constant load and lack of rest. While I tend to hear others tell me “you have to prioritize yourself,” that’s not something I’m unaware of. Between parenting, pregnancy, being a wife, my job, and attempting to do little things (like this blog) for myself, it’s just not possible majority of the time and it hasn’t been for a long time.

Even on my worst days, I enjoy the company of my children. I don’t want to feel a constant need to draw space between them and myself so that I have “time for myself” because realistically this time of my life revolves around them. Sure, an hour or so a day of peace and quiet is vital to decompress, but I also don’t like feeling guilty about not always having that time. My time is precious. I’ll sleep again one day, this I know, but for now I run on little of it, and I wake up regularly throughout the night to tend to them, change them, or pee a hundred times because… well, pregnant.

To some people none of this will resonate. I might sound like a rambling contradiction or just absolutely silly for my way of thinking. But for a lot of us, this is reality and while it’s exhausting and hard to even feel like a person on a regular basis, it’s still a beautiful time. Just know that you’re not alone. This too shall pass, but for now… you’re doing great, babe.