Early in this pregnancy I made the bittersweet decision that this would be my final pregnancy. I always wanted four kids, and in 5 short months I will have 3 babies Earthside. None of my pregnancies have been easy, and that has greatly impacted this choice. With my oldest daughter I struggled heavily with Hyperemesis Gravidarum and spent the majority of my pregnancy in bed, on multiple medications, and in and out of the emergency room. It was very defeating and for a while there I wasn’t sure if my body or my mind could take it. Even through all of that, I wouldn’t take it back for a second because I spent a lot of years before that wondering if I would ever be able to carry a baby to term or become a mom at all.

At the young age of 18, I suffered a traumatic miscarriage that changed a lot about me and my life. I didn’t use to talk about it often and I honestly don’t think I ever grieved it properly… probably because I was just a child trying to navigate the chaos of such a major loss, but also because the judgement from those around me mattered a little too much.

Anyway, because of that experience I felt extreme pressure to hold off on the announcement of my daughter even 8 years later with the man I had already committed to marrying. Then I had an appointment at 10 weeks, after 5 weeks of constant sickness, and something in me felt safe. Like because my body was obviously working overtime, that must mean my baby was here to stay. I decided that day to announce my pregnancy, and I regretted not screaming it from the rooftops the moment I found out. With my son, I announced even earlier, and with my third I announced as soon as I got her ultrasound.

To some people that might sound insane, but my question is why? Because society has forced us to think we shouldn’t until we’re “safe?” Like the possibility of loss would ever change the fact that a baby DID exist? I mean come on now, who are we trying to make comfortable? Because it damn sure isn’t mothers who are going through the thick of it. The truth is 1 in 4 women suffer this tremendous loss and most of us struggle with feeling safe to even voice the grief of it all. How fair is that? After all the hormonal, physical, and emotional tolls the journey can take on our bodies, we for some reason should feel concerned with making other people uncomfortable? I think the hell not.

That is just one major issue concerning this constant war on women, especially in America. Regardless of the loss, my child existed, her child existed, your child existed, and our children deserve to be grieved and remembered. Us mothers deserve to feel safe in that grief and our healing. If that makes anyone else uncomfortable, it seems very much like a personal problem, and frankly… I don’t give a damn. It was never about making others comfortable. We all lose people every day and don’t have to tiptoe around the topic, so why force a grieving postpartum mother to do it?

I have grieved more over my loss since becoming a mom than I ever did in the midst of it. I see and hear people regularly talking about how “she should have waited to announce” or “I can’t believe she is telling people so soon,” and who are any of you to judge a journey that isn’t yours, doesn’t affect you, and is absolutely none of your business? If you are that kind of person I think some personal reflection is in order Regardless if a mother decides to announce the moment she finds out or the day she gives birth, it is no-one else’s place to form judgement, and it’s a strange topic to want to judge over anyway. Honestly, mothers deserve more. We deserve better, but especially when it comes to having pride in our babies. Whether we are raising them here or they are watching over us from somewhere more beautiful, their existence matters. And if you ask me, that’s something to be proud of!