It’s been over a week since the last time I blogged, and I have beat myself up about it every single day since. In that time I also have worked part time, obviously taken care of my kids daily, spent 3 days down and out from pregnancy sickness, got my tags renewed, kept up with household chores, started planning a trip for my brothers wedding next month, redone our dining room into our kids’ playroom, and ran around town regularly because errands never end. Clearly I stay busy, right? And even still I wish I would have made more time to keep up with this portion, but the free time I have I have chosen to sleep instead. I don’t regret it, but I also wish I had just a couple more hours in the day. I can’t imagine what the last couple of weeks would’ve been like had we not gained an hour of sunlight with daylight savings.

Anyway, what I am getting at with this rant is that mom guilt applies to so much of my life outside of my actual parenting. For some strange reason my expectations for myself are usually unrealistic. Maybe it’s the older sibling in me, maybe it’s the mom in me, maybe it’s the type A personality that I can no longer keep up with. Whatever it is, it is EXHAUSTING.

My goal for myself with bringing my third baby into the world is to find the balance. I want to give myself credit for the tremendous amount of work that I do, but also set the stress from what I can’t always achieve to the side instead of letting it linger in the back of my mind until I can check every task off my list. I deserve better from myself and I know that. I’ve just always been the person to keep things in order. I’ve always been the go to for my loved ones, and found myself carrying much more burden than I am actually responsible for. I will definitely acknowledge that this is one of my main downfalls. It’s been a blessing and a curse. It’s also something I am trying to steer away from, but it’s easier to learn a behavior than to unlearn one. So here I am, learning to recognize all of these not so beneficial parts of me, trying to separate myself from the guilt of not being superhuman, and trying to find the tools to create more space for peace within my mind and my heart.

Like I said, behaviors are easy to learn, and most of the time we don’t even realize they’re being taught to us until it’s too late. Mine just so happen to consume me and create anxiety within me more often than I am comfortable with. I couldn’t imagine passing that down to my children like it has been passed down through generations and generations of women that came before me. We all (or most of us) want to become the best versions of ourselves, especially after having kids. The hard part is keeping myself aware in the moment enough to fight the stress and guilt away in order to be more present. I definitely think the first step is awareness and acknowledgment, and I give myself full credit for getting to that point.

Hopefully my next step will be learning some of the tools I need to actually keep myself aware during the harder times. Things change every day, and I know I am only getting better with time and age. Trust the process, right? But also I know I can’t be alone in these feelings, so please drop any tools you may have in the comments below because this mama needs all the support and advice she can get.