Motherhood has shown me the best and worst sides of myself. From constant overstimulation, overwhelming pressure, being regularly touched out to feeling the most joy, love, and pride that I have ever known. This time of life is both the greatest chapter and the most exhausting. I know that after five years of pregnancies, breastfeeding, being a sahm, then a working mom, and everything in between that I am superhuman, but I’m also not satisfied with just that. Everything around me and within me feels like a paradox.

The pressure of it all isn’t talked about enough. Through pregnancy, birth, postpartum to raising actual human beings… this is scary in so many ways. I don’t ever want to fail them, but I also don’t want to fail myself by getting lost in the beautiful chaos of it all.

Then again, how do you not? How do you not fully devote every bit of your being to the little people you love more than anything that’s ever existed? I have accepted that this portion of my story is dedicated to them, and because of that I’ve found myself struggling with my own existence. With the constant mental to do list of both short and long term goals, a part of me feels like I’ll never get ahead. There just never seems to be enough hours in a day.

Am I being unrealistic? A little too hard on myself? ABSOLUTELY. But I also cannot seem to snap out of the need to be the best possible me that I can be for them, my husband, our home, and our future. I wish I could. I am very much aware, and have been trying to focus on being more present in the moment, but there always seems to be that little voice in the back of my head planning the next task.

Between two toddlers and a baby on the way, I don’t know how I’m still functioning most of the time, but I know one thing… I won’t stop. They say you can’t pour from an empty cup, and while I agree to some extent, I see mothers like myself doing it every single day for the sake of our babies. If there is anyone who is going to make it happen, it’s a mom. That unconditional love creates an energy within us like some sort of generator. Even when the storm blows out the power on the whole block, there’s something in us keeping everything going. There is no quit… because then what?

I wish I could say that I make time to prioritize my own rest, but those days seem to be few and far between which is very hard on my mind and body, but like I said this has been the most exhausting chapter so far. I guess I am learning to accept that too.

I know I’m not alone. Some days I yell too much. Some days I find myself crying over the littlest things. Some days I need 5 or so minutes to myself in the laundry room to break down. Some days I feel like I have reached my rock bottom. In those moments, I try to remember the years of my life that I spent praying for everything that I now get to call mine and it brings me back down. I’m not perfect, but I am evolving as a mom and as a woman.

For the most part I realize that all of this is temporary, so even at the end of my worst days I try to find the grace deep within to put the mom guilt aside and pat myself on the back because I am superhuman! Even though I wish to be the most perfect mother I can possibly be for my kids, I also know that I am doing my best out here and boy do those kids love their mama!