I’ll tell you one thing, while I believe I am always learning, motherhood has very much been a teaching lesson. From understanding my kids to understanding myself, every day brings some new challenge… some new realization… and even new hardships to grasp. The biggest lesson I have accepted about myself this far is that I am evolutionary. While I have come so far from my younger self, I still have light years to go as I strive to be the best version of me. Recognition and healing from many things I experienced before motherhood has been a game changer for my outlook on life.

I have been working on taking the necessary steps to accept my most detrimental flaws. While it may sound like I am striving for an unrealistic perfection, I’m really just hoping to no longer be identified as the more difficult, misunderstood, and unstable version of myself. She will always be a part of me, but that little girl no longer exists, simply because as an adult and as a mom, I have noticed her more than anyone ever did before, I have let her put her guilt to rest, and I have learned to love her like she always needed.

A major goal that I have for my children is that they do not perpetuate the unhealed traumas of their parents, simply because it is not their burden to carry. I am a huge advocate for breaking generational curses. I want to be as open with them about those curses as is developmentally appropriate with hope that they grow to always see me and themselves as real people, flaws and all. But mostly so they know that they are always safe to bring their hopes, dreams, and concerns to me without fear of judgement.

Many things that I have supressed over the years have surfaced since I had my first, and I fully expect that to continue happening as they grow. It probably has to do with watching my heart walk around outside of my body in a world of chaos, knowing I won’t always be able to keep it safe. Some of those things I have been able to express to my husband, my support system, and in therapy, but there are still pieces of me that I keep locked away, and I hope that as I grow more comfortable sharing, the little girl inside me can grow more comfortable with her healing.

If one thing I know is true, it’s that motherhood saved me. This unconditional love and aspiration to be better for my babies has shown a new light on everything around me and how I choose to view the world. Because of them, I strive for peace. I hope they always hear me when I tell them just how much their existence changed my life. As I am helping them reach their milestones, they are unknowingly helping me reach mine, and I am eternally grateful that their little souls chose me.